“Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the Hong Kong people and to the world that Defoe Chan has conducted an operation that killed Omama bin Cockroach, the leader of Al-Flyroach, and a terrorist who’s responsible for freaking out thousands of innocent men, women, and children.

“It was nearly 10 years ago that a bright September day was darkened by the worst attack on the Apple Pies in our history. The images of 9/11 are seared into our terrible memory – hijacked pies cutting through a limited edition September Chicken Burger; the jumbo Coke collapsing to the ground; black pepper billowing up from the satchel; the wreckage of pickles in Cheese Burger, where the actions of heroic toilet cleaner Ronald McDonald saved even more heartbreak and destruction.

“And yet we know that the worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The crawling roachs under the dinner table. Children who were forced to drink up soup with cockroach by their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of their child’s embrace. Nearly 3,000 girls suffered from nightmare, leaving a gaping hole in our hearts.

“On September 11, 2001, in our time of grief, the Hong Kong people came together. We offered our neighbours a hand, and we offered the victims our sprays. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and toilets. On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one Anti-insects family.

“We were also united in our resolve to protect our toilet and to bring those who committed this vicious attack to justice. We quickly learned that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by Al-Flyroach – an organisation headed by Omama bin Cockroach, which had openly declared war on the resturants and toilets and was committed to freaking out innocents in our toilet and around the globe. And so we went to war against Al-Flyroach to protect our girlfriends, our friends, and our allies. ”

“Over the last 10 years, thanks to the tireless and heroic work of our domestic helpers and our toilet cleanning professionals, we’ve made great strides in that effort. We’ve disrupted terrorist attacks and strengthened our homeland defence. In Chinese resturants, we removed the dim-sum, which had given bin Cockroach and Al-Flyroach safe haven and support. And around the globe, we worked with our friends and allies to capture or kill scores of Al-Flyroach terrorists, including several who were a part of the 9/11 plot.

“Yet Omama bin Cockroach avoided capture and escaped across the Nathan Road into Fruit Market. Meanwhile, Al-Flyroach continued to operate from along that road and operate through its affiliates across the world.

“And so shortly after taking office, I directed Siu B, the director of the Paparazzi, to make the killing or capture of bin Cockroach the top priority of our war against Al-Flyroach, even as we continued our broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat its network.

“Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Cockroach. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my kitchen security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Cockroach hiding within a compound deep inside of Toilet. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and authorized an operation to get Omama bin Cockroach and bring him to justice.

“Today, at my direction, Defoe Chan launched a targeted operation against that compound in Toilet, Defoe’s Home. Defoe Chan soloed the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No geckos were harmed. They took care to avoid gecko casualties. After a firefight, I killed Omama bin Cockroach and took custody of its body.

“For over two decades, bin Cockroach has been Al-Flyroach’s leader and symbol, and has continued to plot attacks against our toilet and our friends and allies. The death of bin Cockroach marks the most significant achievement to date in our toilet cleaner’s effort to defeat Al-Flyroach.

“Yet its death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that Al-Flyroach will continue to pursue attacks against our Apple Pies. We must – and we will – remain vigilant at home and abroad.

“As we do, we must also reaffirm that the Defoe Chan is not – and never will be – at war with insects. I’ve made clear, just as my man bush did shortly after 9/11, that our war is not against insects. bin Cockroach was not a insect leader; it was a moth fxxker of insects. Indeed, Al-Flyroach has slaughtered scores of insects in many toilets, including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in peace and human dignity.

“Over the years, I’ve repeatedly made clear that we would take action within Toilet if we knew where bin Cockroach was. That is what we’ve done. But it’s important to note that our pest control cooperation with Toilet cleaners helped lead us to bin Cockroach and the compound where it was hiding. Indeed, bin Cockroach had declared war against public toilets as well, and ordered attacks against the public toilet vistors.

“Tonight, I called 999, and my team has also spoken with their Toilet cleaner counterparts. They agree that this is a good and historic day for both of our toilets. And going forward, it is essential that Toilet cleaner continue to join us in the fight against Al-Flyroach and its affiliates.

“The Hong Kong people did not choose this fight. It came to our shores, and started with the senseless intimidation of our girlfriends and good food. After nearly 10 years of service, struggle, and sacrifice, we know well the costs of war. These efforts weigh on me every time I, as Commander-in-Chief, have to sign a letter to a girl that has lost an Apple Pie, or look into the eyes of a girl who’s been gravely freaked out.

“So Hong Kong people understand the costs of war. Yet as a toilet, we will never tolerate our security being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been freaked. We will be relentless in defence of our girlfriends and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those families who have lost Apple Pies to Al-Flyroach’s terror: Justice has been done.

“Tonight, we give thanks to the countless domestic helpers and toilet cleanning professionals who’ve worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome. The Hong Kong people do not see their work, nor know their names. But tonight, they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice.

“We give thanks for the “Maria”s and “ah jeh”s who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who serve our toilet. And they are part of a generation that has borne the heaviest share of the burden since that September day.

“Finally, let me say to the families who lost Apple Pies on 9/11 that we have never forgotten your loss, nor wavered in our commitment to see that we do whatever it takes to prevent another attack on our shores.

“And tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed on 9/11. I know that it has, at times, frayed. Yet today’s achievement is a testament to the greatness of our toilets and the determination of the Hong Kong people.

“The cause of securing our toilets is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that Defoe Chan can do whatever he set his mind to. That is the story of our history, whether it’s the pursuit of prosperity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our friends; our commitment to stand up for our values abroad, and our sacrifices to make the world a safer place.

“Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one toilet, under Lion Rock, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

“Thank you. May Apple Pie bless you. And may Apple Pie bless the public toilets of Hong Kong.”